The Seven Seals

To an outsider or tourist Bath looks like a charming, picturesque City totally at peace with itself and those who walk its streets. Or is it..? After hearing harrowing and foreboding tales of a City in turmoil I looked into the claims.

The results of my thorough study of ancient scrolls disturbed me greatly, but in the tradition of Japanese students in horror films I felt it was only right that I share them with you.

So here, authentic and clearly written about 21st century Bath are the Seven Seals...

1) "And yay, there shall be an unpleasant host of aerial bigamists that shall haunt thy city for what seemeth like 4 score and 20 years. There shall be no rest from these winged vermin and the screeching and nashing of thy teeth and much complaining shall follow."

2) "A second plague, unseen by the righteous, shall descend upon thy walls like a very isolated flood. These ants of the earth shall rise up like dragons and fly in an manner that doth pester thee greatly."

3) "The third seal taketh the form of loud noises that keepeth thee from thy slumber. Loud clanging of symbols and clashing of drums shall be a curse especially on thy citizens that haileth from the Orient."

4) "The sun shall shineth like an ball from the depths of Hades and all shall wilt and moan greatly at the warm summer they previously doth covet."

5) "An shop of loweth esteem shall find its way onto thine streets. And lo it shall bring much cursing and displeasure."

6) "A man of the sheep shall make his path into thine sporting establishment and cause much grief and rage in thy taverns."

7) "The birth of an demon child on an day when the sun doth shine increasingly bright shalleth be the seventh and final seal of thy destruction."