Simon Says

Evil never sleeps.

2012-02-23T22:58:00.008Z

Hades Lord of the Underworld, Professor Moriarty, Lex Luthor, Adolf Hitler and Rupert Murdoch. All the physical embodiments of Nemesis - that which dishes out divine retribution. One's bete noir.

I encountered my nemesis the other evening. The one being on the face of this earth that fills me with unfathomable dread.

I had just crossed over a bridge not far from home and there he was. Lurking on the path with hateful menace.

Fortunately I had my wits about me and managed to escape his clutches..for now.. But forewarned is forearmed. Now I know the conditions are right for the vermin's habitat I will be vigilant and wary. Wary like Howard Webb is of Taggart's tackle...

Peaks and troughs

2012-02-08T00:05:00.006Z

I remember learning in some of my studies as a young naive ragamuffin that there are 3 types of receptiveness. You are likely to take things in visually or aurally (and no, that would have to be spelt "orally" for cock munching jokes to be relevant).

Pointless and spuriously linked bit of information over, it occurred to me recently that the quality of new films at the cinema and series on TV seems to fluctuate in droves.

In the last 2 months "Super 8", "Senna" and "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" have all come out on dvd. In the cinema now there is "Warhorse".

In the next few months the brilliant "Boardwalk Empire" and "Game of Thrones" 2nd series will be released on dvd. At the moment "The Only Way is Essex" and "Geordie Shore" are on TV.

Beginning to see the pattern? For every spellbinding cinematic creation there has to be some mindbendingly monstrous stream of steaming turd.

In My Bad Books

2012-02-02T01:50:00.003Z

I like reading the way most people like money, their friends and chocolate. In other words I can't get enough of books.

I pay visits to our local library on occasion, and on the last few times I have found a large selection of new books by my favourite authors loaned out.

This is starting to become a regular occurrence and vexes me greatly. While browsing the library catalogue the thought that most often enters my mind is "Bring back the books you greedy bastards."

It surprised me only a little that my taste in literature would appear to have become popular. I'm sure this is the case and that its not like in 'Fight Club' where I am too tired to realise I am going to the library, hiring books out, and then making sure the other me cannot find them.

I can't rule that out completely though as I do not ask librarians the whereabouts of these books. Though it is entirely plausible that Tyler Simon has bribed/frightened the librarians into silence.

I've not yet conceived a plan to discover and outfox TS, but in the event that I can outwit him and procure the aforementioned reading material I will sigh a big sigh of relief and put your minds at rest with a hearty "Yahoo" on this blog.

While typing I have been handed a bottle of tablets by a kind elderly gentleman in a white jacket. Hopefully this will help me on my search..

Top 5...

2012-01-25T01:05:00.004Z

Pet Hates

1) People who you stop for so they can go by and they don't even acknowledge that you've been unselfish.

2) People who try and jump queues.

3) Women who use prams like battering rams.

4) Jock students who act like they own the planet, talk loudly and don't get out of the bleedin' way.

5) People who aren't your friends and act like they know you. I call them "cunts" for short.

Goggle-eyed

2012-01-19T23:41:00.003Z

Yesterday I went swimming at the Sports Centre. Due to repair work the changing rooms had been er..changed! For one day only the men's became the women's and vice versa.

What this meant was the faint smell of cosmetic products greeting my nostrils rather than the usual aroma of piss. Also the women's showers are segregated so the awkward genital avoidance ritual was not needed.

After my last swim my eyes almost popped out due to the water pressure. To reduce the bloodshot nature of my pupils I bought some goggles. They were some mighty fine goggles.

After getting over the horror of spotting a plaster on the pool floor I enjoyed the improved vision they gave me. I'm normally a bit macho with other man swimmers, but there was someone in my lane whose flip turns were so good that I forgave his barging across my water.

Let The Games Begin!

2012-01-17T00:25:00.007Z

This winter I have added to my SNES console. Now, the N64 and Sega Megadrive are also available. Games: Bomberman, Mario Kart 64, ISS 64, EA Hockey and Goldeneye.

Even the usually implacably unperturbed Jemma was dragged through the gates of gaming irritability. Ice hockey on the Megadrive has somehow managed to survive George Bush's War on Terror.

Turn down the volume on the screamometre, soundproof the walls, and remove 6 packs of Pepsi from the public domain. The games are here..

Its the end of the world as we know it!

2012-01-11T23:33:00.009Z

Its now 2012. Apart from floods, tsunamis, earthquakes and the end of the world I expect this year to be a good one.

If its any consolation medieval Prophet to the Kings Nostradamus predicted we've still got a couple of years left. That might not be a consolation if you're a suicidal Scot with a drinking problem.

"4 more years and we're out of whiskey?!"

Seeing as England has decided its no longer friends with Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, and the notoriously lonely Kim Jong-Il has died, it will be interesting to see how long Barack Obama's finger stays off America's military trigger.

To me the American presidency is like a game of Goldeneye. If you're an amateur then you're just itching for a chance to spray bullets like a London Metropolitan Police officer.

Whoever has hidden the Doomsday Device trigger button deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. Ditto to whoever performs the same role in the Kremlin. There must be times when its hard to slip the Rohypnol into Putin's Vodka...

The last blog of the year

2011-12-31T19:30:00.004Z

I've planned this blog to be inspirational, sentimental, moving and hard-hitting. After many random musings I thought I'd end the year on an intellectual high.

And then I thought sod it. When this happens the blog almost writes itself..

That leaves me with the pleasant task of wishing everyone a Happy New Year. Drink safely, especially if you're celebrating your birthday and are over the pensioning age. Yes, don't have that extra glass of red just to numb the disappointment of the day.

And to those of you who've had a trying 2011, don't give up hope. There's always 2-3 reasons to be happy.

Suck Satan's cock!

2011-12-31T19:17:00.004Z

The Bill Hicks sketch has lost none of its relevance today. Change the likes of MC Hammer for Simon Cowell or any of his pre-pubescent protégés.

Mr. Cowell goes into to see the Devil: "So Cowell, what can I do for you?" "Err, well Mr. Devil I was wondering if you could fix it for me to be famous and wealthy?" "SUCK SATAN'S COCK!"

"I can hear you out there Bieber. What do you want?" "I want all the little girls to like me and to make money and eat candy floss please your holiness?" "SUCK SATAN'S COCK!"

"Alright Ferguson, what is it now..?!"

Paul Robinson shits himself..

2011-12-31T00:15:00.006Z

..With the news that Thierry Henry returns to Arsenal. Also the Twitchometre in another corner of North London is ever increasing. So much so that I've linked up a specially devised Twitch radar to this blog. *Twitch*

The fans in the picture above could easily be mistaken for Stoke fans. They are in fact all the Tottenham supporters in England crammed into one stand. Who knew they were so photogenic? *Twitch twitch*

It just so happens that his 2nd début could be against Leeds next Monday. Anticlimactic and irrelevant as he hardly ever scored against Leeds...

Obviously no one knows how the 2 month loan will go, and Thierry as well as the club will need more than just fan euphoria to do the business. Happily we are the Arsenal though and the last time Spurs finished above Arsenal John Major was wiping Curry stains off his trousers. *Twitch twitch! twitch..*

I'm so ronery..

2011-12-29T22:49:00.008Z

I heard the sad news recently that the "Great Sun of the 21st century" Kim Jong Il has died. Below are 2 pictures of him as we remember perhaps the most eccentric leader the world has ever seen.

For those of you who are unaware of just why the "Supreme Leader" has this reputation read on..

1. Russian emissary to North Korea made it know that Jong-Il had live lobsters air-lifted to his armoured train daily.

2. His country's records state that when he was born the seasons magically changed from winter to summer, a rainbow appeared and presumably the rivers flowed with chocolate..

3. Korean media reported in 1994 that Kim Jong Il shot a round of 38 under par on a regulation golf course. 38 under par...

4. After a riding accident, he was so frightened of becoming addicted to his subscribed painkillers that he had his personal staff take the same dose each day.

5. An East German farmer famous for breeding giant rabbits imported 12 into North Korea on the understanding they would be used to help solve the country's famine. He was less than amused to find out they had all been eaten at Kim Jong Il's birthday celebration. Oh and he also enjoyed roast donkey. As you do.

A truffling matter

2011-12-29T02:38:00.005Z

There have been famous losses to civilization in millennia gone by. Plato recorded the tale of the once great city of Atlantis disappearing into the depths of the sea as a result of severe meteorological activity.

In both the Bible and Indiana Jones the elusive Ark of the Covenant is sort after.
More recently, during the 2nd World War the portrait of the 'Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies' was sadly lost forever.

The 21st century and the new millennium have barely started and already the list grows larger. There was a time when a box of Celebrations was a box of chocolate worth having. When it held a sweet savoured by man and woman. When it was home to the Galaxy Truffle!

The truffle is no longer part of the "sparkling" selection. This is no selection, and there is no sparkle. Bring back the truffle. Bring it back now...

Mamma Mia!

2011-12-28T01:03:00.004Z

Sadly I'm not blogging about an Italian holiday. And NO, I'm not blogging about having just eaten spaghetti bolognese either! It hasn't come to that just yet.

Ahead of pizza, pasta and the Mafia, Italy's chief export has brought pleasure to many.
Fast, dangerous and responsible for many acts of violence and of a disturbing behaviour, I am of course talking about Super Mario..

The graphics on the N64 pale in comparison to the WII, but Mario Kart 64 lacks none of its potency. Inaudible verbal outbursts and spasms of Tourrette's are no less, nor is the tendency to lose track of time and sanity while speeding around hairpin bends.

The much awaited Goldeneye is somewhere in the myriads of undelivered post this Xmas. It quietly bides its time dormant, safe in the knowledge one day soon it will come into the open. It wants to be found..

Ginger and bitter

2011-12-27T01:05:00.010Z
Off the top of your head you might think the title refers to this..

If I said it was a Premiership manager though you'd naturally think I mean him..

It may come as a surprise then that it refers to this man..

David Moyes the Everton manager. Despite the title, I'm going to tell you what a great man and manager he is.

1) He runs the club on a shoestring and runs it well.
2) He's not one of Alex Ferguson's lovechildren. (Good enough on its own..)
3) He's a bastard. Always with an angry expression on his face, he doesn't feign friendliness with fellow managers he'd happily relegate in a moment.
4) He's honest. This evening he had no qualms in saying outright that his team had a dodgy decision given in their favour. No attempt at justifying it.

Mistletoe and wine.

2011-12-26T23:45:00.010Z
No more elbow-barging citizens. Women with prams giving way to other pedestrians. Peace and goodwill. Yes, it can only mean one thing - Christmas is over.

After the grimly predictable shambles at Sainsbury's on Christmas Eve I was dreading the worst for December 25th. By "shambles" I mean a reluctance from the manager to enforce the 6o'clock closing time, and leaving inadequately trained people to close part of the department.

All this meant I left over 10 minutes late and with not a word of thanks. Closer to disgruntlement that I hadn't stayed even longer. To coin the words of a very eloquent fellow blogger, they were "cunts".

Not even I, "Mr. Grumpy", "You miserable old git", "You are an old man." can stay sour for Chrimbo though! It was a lovely day. I had fun watching the legendary "Princess and the Pirate"

"What did he die of?" "NON-payment of rent!" The greatest line of dialogue since Eric Sykes epitaph: "Told you I was ill.."

Jemma came around in the evening and we played a 21st century version of the board game Cluedo. My sister is part sorceress so my hopes of winning were short to start with. Jemma then decided to base her strategy around 1 sole aim: Making sure at all costs I didn't win. I'm sure that comes under cruelty at Christmas time.

A Murdoch Christmas

2011-12-22T23:45:00.006Z
With all the toing and froing of the move lately I have been through multiple phases of internet and TV usage. No internet, using SkyGo, no TV or internet, mobile internet and now on both phone and PC.

I was horrified to discover while Xmas shopping yesterday that I was a bit Larry Flint. Better than being a James Blunt, but still a bit of a shock.

Having previously been certain I had only paid for 1 month's SkyGo, it was an even bigger surprise to find out they had charged me for a 2nd month beginning but 2 days ago.

This went some way to explaining my financial predicament. I spoke to a helpful Sky employee who I trust was not tapping my phone.

The timing of my call appears to have been in the very nick of time as the young Murdoch protégé was able to cancel this month's subscription and refund me.

Perhaps Mr. Murdoch is not as bad as people make out and is a modern day Scrooge. Tight-fisted, but good hearted. For he's a jolly good fellow!!

Back from the dead

2011-12-22T23:18:00.004Z
On Monday I went for my workout as usual. It was a normal day. The usual you might say. I had a limited amount of time so the session would need to be brief. With this in mind I duly raced through my Chest Press and Ab exercises.

I was near the end of my workout, but had yet to do the Cardiovascular bit. With time of the essence I decided to attempt my hitherto unachievable target of 500 meters on the rowing machine in 1 minute and 30 seconds.

I started at a rate of 1:40 for every 500mts. I knew this would not be enough, but would get me near a decent time. Feeling good I made it in 1:44. I still felt good on my way to the changing rooms, and this continued until a strong desire to vomit my guts overtook me.

It grew and persuaded me to enter the toilet cubicle. After hanging over the basin in the pre-wretch stage my body took a turn for the worse and my heart rate raced up like Howard Webb on his way to the Manchester United penalty area. My vision was blocked by white obese stars.

Happily a nearby Samaritan came to my rescue and with the help of a gym employee who must of been all of 14 years old and the beautiful angel Jemma I slowly regained colour. This had the side affect of ensuring I haven't got a Christmas card from John Terry.

21st Century Phone

2011-12-21T02:02:00.003Z
Thursday night: No internet for a week.

Friday: Cursing my luck as I was going to buy presents online.

Saturday: The lovely Jemma reminds me I can upgrade my dinosaur phone for one with internet.

Sunday: I eat a carvery and Xmas pudding with relatives.

Monday: I pick up Xperia Neo. Told off by Jemma for calling it 'Nero'.

Tuesday (Today): I blog from my fancy new phone!

Joy to the world

2011-12-14T22:50:00.007Z
On the bus into town today I had the misfortune to be seated in front of Moany McMoanason. I don't know what it is, but hearing a student complain bitterly about their computer imploding brought out the better side of my humanity.

A verbal paragraph in and I already wanted to find the nearest starving Ethiopian children and enlist them to help me set up a fund-raising concert to buy the girl a new computer.

Later in the day I was threatened at gunpoint by birthday boy Vonje to go into Nandos. Seething hordes of mass prepubescence greeted us. Vonje also noticed that the staff looked like they had been hand-picked by Adolph Hitler and may not have fitted in with Nandos ethnicity.

Being a ~~suicidal~~ happy blogger I will end this chapter with some good news. The protracted house move that was in its infancy when Alexander Bell was prank calling Florence Nightingale is finally going to go through this Friday.

My work situation is also due to improve in the New Year. Oh and Christmas is 10 days away. All together now everyone! "IN THE BLEAK MIDWIN..."

I WANNA GO HOME, I WANNA GO HOOOME! THIS TRAIN'S NOT MOVING, I WANNA GO HOME!

2011-12-13T02:25:00.006Z
TRAIN

FROM: Chippenham
TO: Somewhere a few minutes further down the line from Chippenham station (Bath)

ETD: 23:40 Actual Time of Departure 23:51
ETA: 24:02 Actual Time of Arrival 24:50

After the electronic screen had gradually moved our train's time forward, Vonje and I belatedly boarded the train. Cue the big hint that all was not well. I'll let the driver explain: "Err..we seem to have a problem with the signalling. Apologies for the delay. We should be moving again in 5 minutes or so."

This slight lapse in my perception of time was an omen of things to come. "5" minutes later: "We have a delay. The train will be moving. There will be a delay before Bath though, and we will have to go at half speed." Followed by jeering laughter from our carriage.

The real hi-light came when the train stalled. Vonje suggested that the driver's process of mind was "Oh, that's the wrong way, let's try reverse." The misleadingly advertised short delay just outside Bath was neither short nor just outside Bath.

The speed with which the train eventually accelerated to led to a harsh grinding on the brakes followed by that creaking noise that precedes train crashes in films. Looking at 1 or 2 other passengers I noticed they too were adapting from the frustration of being in a stationary train to total fear at the prospect of a crash.

I'm still slightly disorientated and would not be surprised to learn that while I was on the train everyone else in the world has aged 10 years like in "Flight of the Navigator."

Mission Impossible

2011-12-11T20:44:00.011Z
While trying to watch the film with Jemma last night, countless problems were had with the ~~streaming~~ watching of 'Mission Impossible'. So much so that it seemed we had a tougher task than Tom Cruise and his team.

Tom trying to fix Jemma's laptop

After fighting off double agents, Jon Voight in a jump suit, and delayed buffering we were able to watch the film. Jemma noticed that while Tom Cruise and Ving Rhames were talking in a London flat their radio was playing West Ham v Norwich.

Sadly for the Hammers that shows you how long ago the film was made...

Dogs and Twats

2011-12-11T20:00:00.006Z
A dog - 'Simon Says' urban dictionary definition: a woman who wears copious amounts of make-up in public and is dressed in a manner that is somewhat cheap.

A twat - 'SS' definition: a) a moron, a complete buffoon, someone whose existence is of no great significance to mankind b) someone who acts in a twatish manner.

I came into contact with both of these in the last 2 days. Yesterday I went with Jemma (who is neither a dog or a twat) to her local supermarket store. There were dogs plum in the centre of the entrance doors. Prostitutionally dressed? Tick. Enough make-up to fill the River Avon? Tick.

Today I ventured fearfully into the Bath Xmas Market. I knew it was the last day of the market so I should have expected the worst. Its fine if people bump into me and then apologize. Fair enough. Of the 10+ times I felt physical contact today not 1 "Oh I'm sorry!"

If anything they look as if you offended them by standing in the same place as you were previously. To top off a very wet shop 2 middle aged laptop wankers tried to push in front of me in the queue for the bus.

I stood my ground to then hear them cattily complain behind my back. After alerting them to their less than punctual arrival in the queue they ceased crying like 8 year old girls.

And its only December 11th! Merry bloody Christmas...

The man behind the blog, the myth behind the legend.

2011-12-08T23:17:00.011Z
Seeing as I regularly enlighten you with my pearls of wisdom and wit ~~utter shit~~, I thought now would be as good a time as any to tell you a little bit about myself.

In the words of Mary Poppins I will begin by telling you a few of my favourite things. Sadly they do not include mittens.

Today I introduce you to my main vice..

The Cafe Mocha. Named after the town of Mocha in Yemen.
I have tried mochas at all the major coffee shops and some of the lesser known ones. Here, in my travelled opinion, are the top 3 in town limits.

My third favourite is Starbucks. Tried and tested, it is the one I drink the most, and has the advantage over Cafe Nero and Costa Coffee that the chocolate is not overpowered by the coffee. Both those 2 give you the impression they made a coffee and dusted it on top with a small amount of chocolate powder.

In 2nd place is the Chelsea Cafe. Their mocha is serious competition to my favourite, and only is in 2nd because the quality varies on who makes the drink. The chocolate syrup in it is special though.

1st. Perhaps this is partly affected by it being the drink I have least often. Hansel and Gretel. A small and cosy coffee nook and cranny in the basement of an Austrian antiques shop.

The mocha is called a "Wolfgang" after one of the children in the Sound of Music (Julie Andrews again, the blog came full circle.) It is sensational and tastes as though it was brewed in Claudia Schiffer's ...you get the idea.

Proof that there are other things besides world domination and undercroft sex prisons that Austrians are good at.

A Rabbit's Tale

2011-12-06T14:12:00.003Z
With the premature deaths of famous people such as Gary Speed, Margaret Thatcher and Dennis Wise the hamster on everybody's minds, I thought it would be appropriate to say a few things about my own 1st brush with mortality.

Many moons ago I put up a sticker on our dining room window - 'On the run with Harry'. It was a Ribena sticker and was a strange omen as I had a rabbit called Harry at the time, and he went on the run never to return.

Shortly afterwards we bought a replacement rabbit. His name was Ricky. He was soon replaced though as there was confusion as to his actual gender, and his shits smelt wrong.

Finally we settled on a female rabbit that we called Nancy. There was lots of speculation after her death as to the cause. Malnutrition being the most common theory to her passing. My school friends were adamant and somewhat disgusted that I might have been responsible for her untimely demise.

She was a good rabbit though, even if she had the habit of pissing on and/or biting more or less anyone who held her. A further conspiracy raged as the years went by that she was an experiment in breeding killer rabbits.

Race Against Time

2011-12-05T01:06:00.011Z
Thousands of lives depend on it. Governments will be made or will fall as a result of it. And Internet users everywhere are experiencing high blood pressure from witnessing it!

Yes, its 'Simon Says' rush to complete at least 56 blogs by the end of December. Ok, so perhaps those events won't happen, but you never know.

Al Qaeda terrorists might frequent my musings. David Cameron's speech writers could get inspiration from daily checking in.

And I know certain viewers get high blood pressure from reading Simon Says. Usually cause they're not included in it...

With the move to a permanent residence (for now) most likely due in the coming weeks, and the celebration of ~~money~~ baby Jesus with Xmas, I will have plenty to write about ~~for a change~~.

Crystal Clear

2011-12-02T00:18:00.005Z
It almost passed my notice that Manchester United lost to Championship side Crystal Palace in the Carling Cup last night. Almost.

Arsenal lost to Manchester City, Cardiff beat Blackburn and Liverpool got the better of Chelsea. While Manchester United lost at home to a team a league below them.

Let's put that in perspective. Its like Hitler's Nazis getting their arses handed to them by the Lithuanian Home Guard. Imagine the crack SS divisions in Berlin being out-thought and outfoxed by an Eastern European Captain Mainwaring with a dodgy 'tash.

Bus wankers

2011-11-30T23:07:00.006Z
Today after covering at the gym early doors, I went to watch the New Twilight film with the ever-lovely Jemma.

There was a rather large amount of blood in the film which may have been the cause of a rather large amount of girls exiting the cinema for what I presume were toilet trips. Thankfully I didn't see any of them do that annoying, borderline lesbian thing of linking arms on the way to the toilets.

While in line for the bus 2 middle-aged ladies cut in front of Jemma and me. Normally Jemma has to listen to the air turning blue around my face in that sort of situation.

Today Jemma turned the tables and left me and some of the bus queue in no doubt as to what she thought of the 2 probably menopausal women. I can't complain. She was right..

While I didn't vent my fury in words I did spend the bus trip wishing hot flushes on them.

HamLit

2011-11-28T00:34:00.010Z
I went to the Bookbarn on the outskirts of Bristol today. It had many many books of all shapes and sizes. Including "Dennis Wise: an Autobiography".

I first saw the title on the book's spine. As everyone knows Dennis Wise was a hamster, so I was a bit surprised when I saw the author's name. Many perplexing thoughts went through my head like have our scientists bred hamsters with J. K. Rowling and Alan Titchmarsh?

After seeing the front cover of the book I realised I was mistaken..

Bricking it

2011-11-25T01:32:00.008Z
Last night I went to Twerton Park to watch Bath City play Dagenham and Redbridge in the 1st round F.A. Cup replay.

It was an eventful evening to say the least. 'Daggers' went 1-0 up in a scrappy 1st half. City came out for the 2nd 45 minutes like a bat out of hell though. After wasting numerous good positions and dominating possession, City equalised through Adam Connelly.

At this point the league 2 side were shitting themselves. It so happens they weren't the only ones. As I celebrated City's equaliser the most foul smell from in front of me attacked my nostrils.

Someone needs to tell whichever of the young lads it was that "shitting yourself" is used to denote when you're scared not extremely happy.

I don't recall people up and down England defecating with joy when they heard that World War II had ended. Neither were the streets around Wembley filled with the aroma of human waste in 1966 when Geoff Hurst and the boys won England the World Cup.

The game went into extra time. So did the smell. From crap to weed. The steward next to me noticed this, but seemed reluctant to investigate which of the only 2 smokers it was. He did however ask me to be quiet. At a football match. Reminded me of the Emirates Stadium.

Daggers scored again from a position so offside that Stevie Wonder would have seen it. They eventually won 3-1. City were the better team, but as is so often the case a refereeing decision decided the game.

Climbing a Mountain to get to the Road

2011-11-21T01:32:00.008Z
Long week full of packing, cleaning and very little sleep. Oh and work as well.
Said goodbye to Lower Weston on Friday and hello to Southdown.

It has taken a little while to sort out exactly where the hell all my belongings are. You'll be glad to know that apart from the vital things, most of them are with me. Not sure where the world would be without removal men.

Its a common theme on this blog, but I can't help but mention again how vile some shoppers in town are. This is in no way indicative of all middle-aged women, but...

Exhibit A: My friend Vonje and I walked down the street leaving enough room for other pedestrians. Person of the afore-mentioned gender and age group veered from her original line of walking straight into a shocked Vonje forcing him to promptly move out of the way.

Exhibit B: In BHS I was waiting at the Customer Service till. A female member of staff called the till boy over. As she was doing so yet another bloody woman tried to move around me to get to the till first. Fortunately for me and the reputation of 'mature' women everywhere the decent BHS lady told the lad I was first in line.

Brownie points to the BHS lady and a generous helping of hepatitis to the 2 selfish cows.

I also made a deal with ~~Satan~~ Rupert Murdoch in signing up to Sky for a month.

BA2

2011-11-13T19:26:00.005Z
Its been grand living on the BA1 side of the River Avon. Sadly, like if Dick Whittington had travelled to Birmingham or Newcastle, I will be back in the tougher terrain of BA2 by the end of this coming week.

In a last ditch effort I am attempting to at least match last year's total blog count of 56. Being offline from tomorrow till Friday could make that quite tricky.

If the days turn to weeks and the weeks to months and months to years with no 'Simon Says' then I will probably have been strung up by the natives on the BA2 side of the river..

Occupation

2011-11-08T23:43:00.007Z

When I first saw the tents in Queen's Square and the "Occupy Bath" signs I was worried that students might be about to carry out a military coup. It didn't take me long to realise how unlikely that would be though as students are far more likely to get militant about coup-ons.

Apparently its got something to do with capitalism and the National Health Service. Perhaps if nurses and doctors stopped charging off to Millets to buy the latest camping equipment each time they missed a tea break we wouldn't have these problems in the first place.

Patient: "Doctor, why's my bellybutton bleeding?"
Disinterested, recently graduated high-flying expert in medicine: "Quiet! Let me order my Gazebo in peace.."

Destruction breeds Creation

2011-11-08T02:13:00.013Z
With that famous quote in mind, how about aiming some of those cheerful cluster bombs at groups of students who clog up pavements, buses and any general public convenience they can get their mitts on.

Bath is a small city with at the last census an estimated population of close to 84,000. Crowded much? Not sure what it is about narrow pavements, but it brings out the territorial side in some people.

At this juncture I should probably point out its not only students who try and dominate public footpaths.

Fairness over. STOP HOGGING THE PAVEMENT YOU ARROGANT WANKERS!

It really doesn't take much intelligence and general decorum. Leaving enough space for 1 person to walk on. That is what I do and I expect the same basic courtesy from other walkers.

Doesn't matter if you're studying advertising (kill yourself), psychology (fuck yourself) or chemistry (kill and fuck all of us).

Its as if young people everywhere wake up each morning with the over-riding thought and life outlook "WE'RE STUDENTS WE DO WHAT WE WANT".

I mean who's arrogant and stupid enough to think that?

Kamikaze

2011-10-27T01:12:00.005+01:00
It has been suggested to me that I need a degree of anonymity on this blog so I can "say what I really think" without fear of recrimination/censorship. I have to say I don't have the foggiest clue what that person was talking about.

I also couldn't help noticing this picture of Arsenal's Korean striker Park Chu Young tonight. While the majority of you will probably think he's celebrating scoring a goal, does anyone else think it looks like he's trying to recreate the bombing of Pearl Harbour?

Just a thought. Planting seeds as a great man once said. Now where's my lawyer...

Life in a Southern Town

2011-10-27T00:09:00.012+01:00
A fair amount has happened since I last scribed here. To be honest I was pleasantly surprised to find my blog had not been shut down by the State or the demanding silent minority who remained unsatisfied with the regularity of my blogging.
I will summarize recent goings on for the most part.

Football:

Bath City
Games attended: 1
League position: Bottom.
Form: Needs Improvement, scoring but need to find confidence and a clinical streak and fast.

Arsenal
Games attended: 1
League position: 7th
Form: Slowly finding consistency, terrible start.

Fun:

Holiday in Exmouth with Jemma and 'Moose'.
Target: To spend time with Jemma and enjoy the salty air, quaint little villages here and there.

Quality of hotel: Good - heated swimming pool in garden. Cooked breakfast and 5 minutes from the beach.

Time spent: Italian restaurant with lovely homemade food. Café made out of a train carriage, and a bat and ball game with Jemma which drew a fiercely vocal crowd.

Oddity: The minimum age of employment in Exmouth seemed to be about 8. In one café we were served by a boy who hadn't yet passed the stage where all girls are "yuck". I can't confirm if there are still chimney sweeps in that part of England though.

The devil is in the detail.

2011-09-29T00:38:00.011+01:00
Ok, so its not quite the start of September, but here I am back again.
I have had a very busy summer including very little time for any genuine R&R.

This changes next weekend when I will be sampling the delights that Exmouth has to offer. The amazingly lovely Jemma will be coming too. If the weather remains as it has been today at a sultry 26 degrees Celsius then we will be made.

On a darker note something has been causing me ire or got my gander up as some might say. Surprising isn't it. The attempts by virtually any company on the internet to collate as many unnecessary details about you as possible. Take this very blogging host site for instance. It wants my phone number.

What for? Is it to contact me if any family members or loved ones have suffered an accident? Is it to have a friendly chat or to have someone ring me to cheer me up when Arsenal FC have lost a game?

I find goodwilled actions a hard motive to swallow. A bit like big oblong-shaped tablets.

This seems far more likely...

What will they want to know next - the colour of your underwear? Bath City academy players will feel this is no laughing matter. Indeed that it is a civil liberty under threat.

Champions League

2011-08-25T01:12:00.004+01:00
For those of you out there who are Spurs fans that's C-H-A-M...

Not a lot to cheer of late if you're a Gooner. Nasri and Fabregas both cowardly deserted the club in its hour of need. That coupled with an uncharacteristic loss to an over-rated Liverpool side, and fan unrest has left the Arsenal world a little bedraggled.

The sleeping giant awoke tonight though, if only for a little while, to celebrate qualifying for the Champions League proper. A feat that sides who have spent more money *cough* Tottenham *cough* haven't managed that often in their history (once you sad bastards - hahaha!)

My August has been quite busy with extra hours working at the gym and the odd day trip with friends. Weymouth 1 week and a 16 mile walk the next. The walk was more notable for what happened afterwards. In the evening a bunch of us attempted a BBQ which almost set the whole field alight.

Most importantly the lovely Jemma turned 21 recently. I had the pleasure of watching the 'Inbetweeners' film with her and some of her friends. One of the high points of the film being when Will argued with a pool attendant as to why disabled people should get reserved sunbeds.

Stay tuned. More frequent blogging will be forthcoming come the start of September.

I'm still alive

2011-07-11T01:02:00.007+01:00
Realised I'm behind last years rate of blogs. I will fix this. This fixing may speed up after the transfer window has shut however.

This last week has been quite active for Goatman. On Monday I had the lovely company of Jemma. She was very dignified over the fact that I had to leave her in the early hours of Tuesday to go to the beach with Watkins and Mr. Kitson.

We travelled to the far land of Swanage (not Swansea) where strange and wonderful animals (crabs) live in the sea, and many people come from far and wide to exchange their wares for gold. In our case it was the other way round. Gold (pennies) was exchanged for camper vans and lollipops.

After gambling we went fishing. No strange and wonderful animals (crabs) were caught, but it was a new and fun way to spend some of our trip.

We were also lucky that the old person who was next to Watkins when he didn't insult the aged and the foreign-looking woman who was nearby on 2 separate occasions when totally innocent comments were made about her origins didn't get angry when they had absolutely no reason to.

Wednesday was another early start. Goatman and his family travelled to North Wales to climb a mountain. We managed to get to the top of Snowdon despite there being cloud everywhere so we couldn't see where we were going.

It was a long day, but everyone was glad they beat off fatigue and the threat of landslides, frostbite and horny sheep to climb to the summit.

More to follow the next time I look at the blog count for 2011

Monsters and in breds - another night at Kitson's..

2011-06-20T01:07:00.018+01:00
Saturday night Mr. Watkins and I joined Mr. K for pizza, pasta and X-Files. Last week we ate Pizza from Sloppy Joe's. Yesterday we reverted to type - the Italian with the crazy chef.

Kitson started off ordering his usual Mushroom and fungus pizza. At least I presume that's what he asked for. Being very cosmopolitan he braved some Italian. I'm not sure what "Bappa di boopy? Beepy di boopy di babay di babay di!" means, but Watkins and I were left very impressed.

After we had eaten Mr. Kitson started waving a "spider-catcher" around and threatening to use it on us if we didn't watch some X-Files.

For an in depth account of the episodes see http://www.seansstories.com/

They include: an angry in bred family on the rampage and Mulder and Scully hunting Nessie..sort of. Safe to say Watkins and I chose the wise option and were unharmed. I fear next time we may not be so lucky...

Hand over the weed Arsene.

2011-06-12T23:44:00.004+01:00
Allegedly, from someone working at Setanta, (and at this point I must yet again stress 'allegedly') Torres to Arsenal for £18 million + Diaby. So in essence we are paying Chelsea to rid ourselves of Diaby and getting Torres for free. Bargain!

Or more likely - fucking nonsense! The transfer window is rapidly moving into Magic Mushroom Stage. The part where you either a) have to be on magic mushrooms to believe the rumours or b) you feel like you ARE on magic mushrooms having read them.

I'd say keep it real, but reality it seems has precious little to do with all things transfer related. TTFN

Transfer Window Update!

2011-06-10T01:57:00.005+01:00
I am an Arsenal fan. Being an Arsenal fan during the transfer window is like being George Best on a Friday night in Salt Lake City.

So far we've bought Carl Jenkinson from Charlton for £1 million pounds sterling. Ooooh Arsene - don't spend it all at once!

Weighty rumours are growing though. Wenger's top scout Munchy McGobble has been spotted outside a Mr. D's in Basingstoke eyeing up a Mcwhopper with cheese. Hope for our defence after all then!

You know where to come for all the latest gossip. Keep it real.

A footballing tragedy.

2011-05-30T13:07:00.005+01:00
The best football team ever lost on Saturday night. It was unfair and because of that we will remember the result as though Manchester United won. Cause they're the best team. Ever.

Rafael, Carrick, Valencia, Jonny Evans. These are just a few names of the best players the world has ever seen.

Outplayed, outclassed and out thought(admittedly not a difficult thing to do). Man United players only have the Premier League title they cheated their way to as comfort. We have the comfort of seeing you destroyed on worldwide TV.

You let the footballing world down. We wanted a close, competitive final and all we got was men against toddlers.

It took a quality team to beat Barcelona in London, and that team didn't come from Manchester (or Surrey)...

Arsenal - win, lose or draw.

2011-05-16T00:49:00.003+01:00
And that is what separates me from the hordes of fair weather fans out there today. Any "Gooners" who aren't going to support the club through thick and thin can bugger off and support ManU. They are the perfect club for you.

Bugger it.

2011-05-11T00:20:00.003+01:00
Bad cold. Damn it to hell. Have trip to Scotland in a week or so's time. Must..get..better!

All I did was run 4 kilometres within my target time. Is this the reward I get? Damn you body DAMN YOU!!

Translation please.

2011-05-01T23:02:00.010+01:00
Can't understand a word Taggart says. Makes me think the BBC ban Fergie from doing post match interviews because none of their core middle class viewers will have a clue what he's saying. "Ermm, bleuring bleur bleur..penalty..bleur bleur referee..bleur bleur..Feck! Drink! Girrls! bleur bleur..."

Oh I almost forgot! Arsenal beat Mancheater United 1-0. Hahahahahahaha. Couldn't have happened to a nicer pack of c*nts.

Must have been the pressure of playing in the part of the country their fans come from.

Justice for the 96

2011-04-17T01:12:00.005+01:00
On a more serious note..

22 years ago on April 15th, 96 football fans tragically lost their lives at Hillsborough football ground in Sheffield. Never forget.

61 NEVER AGAIN!

2011-04-17T00:33:00.007+01:00

That, in case you are wondering, is a picture of the last time Tottenham Hotspurs won the league. 1961. Yes that's 1961, 50 years ago today. FIFTY YEARS AGO!!!

Yids don't travel well in Europe..

2011-04-05T23:20:00.018+01:00
..So I've heard..

Shit - Sunday is Mother's Day!

2011-03-31T23:33:00.003+01:00
I keep being reminded by people and then forgetting.

Good weather? In March?

2011-03-27T21:24:00.006+01:00
Had a very nice walk through the Royal Crescent today. Clear blue sky, sunshine and a cool breeze - it was a few degrees short of heaven on earth as far as my body's weather tolerance levels go.

Upon walking past the semi circular row of buildings I noticed 2 things.

1) Young people playing frisbee. Before calling people "gay" became a literal insult, I would have called frisbee throwers "GAY"! Now I shall just call them sad bastards.

2) I also put on my amateur photographer hat to capture one of the signs of spring.

Media Love

2011-03-09T15:01:00.005Z
It appears that to be a football team worshipped by the English media you must have the referee in your back pocket and cheat like Wayne Rooney in an Old People's Home. You don't even have to be English. In fact Arsenal for all intents and purposes might as well be foreign.

I'm sure though the 2nd coming of Christ billing that Sky et al have thrust upon Barcelona will only last until their own precious darlings Man United, Chelsea or Tottenham draw the hormonal Catalans.

Despite even some Arsenal fans turning a blind eye to the disrespect shown to our club (primarily by the Televisual sporting media), it is very much us against the world. While managing Chelsea what the hell did Mourinho have to moan about?

Liverpool 3 Man United 1

2011-03-06T23:44:00.004Z
To the tune of Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal - "Nani are you ok? Are you ok Nani? You've been hit by, you've been struck by Jamie Carragher!"

Mr. Smith and I went to 'Beau Nash' formally known as the 'Littan Tree' to watch Liverpool against Man United. I had been up early working at the gym, so I was grateful for the chance to get some food. The food cost me money, but we got entertained for free!

Thank-you Man United for bowing to King Kenny. That, as well as a ~~large~~ proportionate quantity of cocktails made for a good afternoon spent with the intoxicant Mr. Smith.

Oh and Sir Ferguson has banned the club from talking to the media. Can someone please put the cuddly toy back in his pram..?

Barce-who?

2011-02-16T23:05:00.005Z

Mourinho, Ferguson, Pullis - that's how you beat the best club side in the world. Barca brought their style, their World Cup winners and their referee to the Emirates and they left beaten.

"This is madness!?!" the pundits said. No, THIS. IS. ARSE-NAL!!

Rant of the Week

2011-02-11T00:10:00.006Z

I was walking in town minding my own beeswax when out of nowhere some scrawny student type in one of those blue annoyingly hi-vis jackets stepped directly into my path. He tried to ask me if I was interested in paying a monthly sum to cover a charity's admin fees.

What I wanted to say (while ramming his pamphlet down his meningeal throat): "I want to punch you in the face. SOD OFF!" What I actually said (slightly louder and less cordially then I had planned): SORRY!!

When I am in town this is my pet hate. In close 2nd place is people (this tends to be women) who have no bloody spatial awareness. I once walked behind a girl who stopped suddenly, plum in my path, and turned around walking straight into me. This is rare.

What isn't rare is when I've changed my line of walk to a slightly wider line to accommodate whoever is coming the other way, they (yet again women) alter their line TOWARDS ME. My shower gel/aftershave is not THAT nice. PISS OFF!

Rant over......for this week.

Running with the Pack

2011-02-07T23:06:00.002Z
The Vince Lombardi Trophy is coming home..

Name and shame

2011-02-06T00:14:00.007Z
It appears that to be the world's best referee you have to be an enormous bellend and prone to giving Manchester United highly dubious penalties. Step forward Howard Webb the pleb.

Next we have a bloated shipwreck of a man who bases his decisions on how loudly an incident causes him to fart. I give you Phil Dowd the Proud.

And finally, basing his refereeing instinct on how much of a certain Scot's bodily fluids are likely to enter his orifices...I bring to you the beady-eyed testicle of Satan - Mike Deiner the Weiner!

Mad Mad World

2011-02-01T12:45:00.005Z
Yesterday the football transfer equivalent of Pandora's box was opened. Fernando Torres - £50 MILLION; Andy Carroll - £35 MILLION. Each player will be on £175,000 and £75,000 a week respectively. And there were others too. In times of recession its good that our sportsmen retain a sense of perspective..

Liverpool 'Suarez' for Luis

2011-01-28T23:27:00.005Z

I couldn't resist pirating a line I saw on Twitter. In homage to Liverpool's (almost signed) new signing:

Suárez (v.) To put a positive spin on an act of extreme downsizing: "Darling! Great news! I've just Suárezed the Aston for a wheelbarrow!".

copyright @LiterallyJamie

GET IN YOU BEAUUUUTTTIEEEE!!

2011-01-25T19:38:00.007Z

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Andy Gray has left the building...

See you next season

2011-01-20T00:37:00.008Z

Well played to Leeds. Sometimes a 3-1 scoreline is indicative of a comprehensive beating. Not so tonight. Leeds backed up their ferocious performance in the first game with a never-say-die attitude tonight. With players such as Johnny Howson and Luciano Becchio, Leeds would be a welcome addition to the Premiership.

Playing to home crowds upwards of 20,000 when they were in League One boasts a following that I could not say with any confidence even Arsenal could match. Tonight at Elland Road was give or take a 40,000 sell out. Some Premiership teams could only dream of that much of a turnout.

Added reason the fact they really don't like this lot...

Stretchy Vent Monster

2011-01-14T22:38:00.007Z

Last night I watched "Squeeze" - episode 3 of the 1st series of X Files. It is about a very old genetically mutated serial killer who steals the livers of his victims. Eugene Tooms is the villain who can stretch and contract his body to 'squeeze' though air vents and the like. He needs the livers to energize him during his 30 year hibernation between killing sprees.

One of the subplots involves Scully's old friend from her time at F.B.I. school. He is in charge of the case and asks Scully for help. Mulder's popularity precedes him and his involvement is met with the usual mockery and hostility. Not for the last time he is proved right.

WE'RE THE RIGHT SIDE WE'RE THE RIGHT SIDE WE'RE THE RIGHT SIDE OVER HERE!

2011-01-08T20:43:00.010Z
As the Barmy Army song goes England cricket team are the "right side" to support right now. They travelled to the ~~convict colony~~ land of Australia and won 3-1 in their own back ~~prison~~ yard.

In a time when England sports fans are let down terribly by the national football team, Andy Strauss' men have been a breath of fresh air. Mr. Kitson and I stayed up beyond the ~~convict~~ midnight hour to watch Strauss and the rest of the team pick up the 3 wickets needed to complete the 3-1 series win.

As Chris Tremlett bowled Michael Beer to claim the final wicket, Mr. Kitson responded calmly while I yelped like a flea-bitten mongrel. My response was more subdued when Arsenal equalised against Leeds in the F.A. cup tie.

Shortly after watching Leeds hold the mighty Arsenal to a draw, we witnessed Bath City entertain the once famous Luton.

There would be more respect for Luton if their fans weren't a bunch of whining tossers. Not happy with the referee (who if anything was favourable toward their team), the City fans, or even their own team, Luton had the vibe of a once famous team that still thought it was the big cheese.

City however are quite the opposite: humble backgrounds, a hard working team, honest manager and realistic fans who applauded the final whistle as though their team had won the game. The fans also stayed to give the players heartfelt applause. City prove that you don't have to be a traditionally big name club to have a touch of class.

Decisions decisions.

2011-01-04T13:19:00.004Z
I am quite fond of the luxurious Sheppy's Cider. So fond in fact that I plan to purchase some of their renowned brew. Previously I have bought both online and in person from the shop. While buying online negates the nuisance of travelling to Taunton, it would require me to spend a set amount on the same variety.

Having just checked the train prices, it makes the tantalising option of travelling down tomorrow and buying in person very appealing. Decisions decisions..

2011!

2011-01-03T22:39:00.006Z
I had a quiet New Year's Eve, but made up for it by spending a lovely day with Jemma celebrating our 3 year anniversary. We watched "Love and Other Drugs" at the cinema, then went to "the Walrus and the Carpenter". We had a nice meal and it was interesting eating somewhere for the first time

My weekend finished with another epic clash between Mr. Kitson, Watkins and myself. There was lots of money (of the Monopoly denomination), law breaking and betrayal. Mr. Kitson and I joined forces to defeat the "Axis" power of Watkins. We did this by combining our money and putting hotels on the green set of properties. Quite the master stroke of genius.

That's your lot for today. Leaves me to wish a Merry New Year to one and all. I hope you've all had fun during the festivities, drunk much and will be suitably hungover through January thus ignoring the paltry state of your bank accounts.

Thank-you Ricky Ponting

2010-12-26T12:16:00.007Z

As well as some lovely presents, Santa in the shape of "Punter" Ponting brought a smile to my face with the abject capitulation of the convicts. 98 all out - arf arf!

I would like to take the opportunity to thank the entire Australian cricket team for my present - your batting line up being utterly useless.

Hey Hey Ricky...

Merry Christmas Miss Semadeni

2010-12-16T01:49:00.005Z
We all remember tales from our grandparents of how the Swiss ~~helped us win World War II~~ make the best chocolate. Well they also provide the best girlfriends.

Miss Semadeni is part Swiss and part Scottish so she's punctual and likes fighting the English. She is also, however, lovely. So lovely that if anyone can suggest any films for her to watch then please leave a message. (No Arsenal films apparently and none of "your foreign sh*t")

Is it Christmas yet?

2010-12-16T01:40:00.002Z
When your favourite football team losing to Satan's bollocks is arguably not the worst thing to have happened in the last few days you know its bad.

Amidst unmentionable turd I was cheered up slightly by watching "Deep Throat". Not a porno, but the second episode of X Files season 1. Mulder drags Scully out to a town near an army base where soldiers have returned from duty sans marbles.

A supposedly stoned and young looking Seth Green helps Mulder into an army base where U.F.O.'s have been sighted. Mulder catches a glimpse of the coolest ever looking army plane and then gets his memory wiped.

My favourite line: *Mulder to Scully with some obscure branch of National Security bloke banging on his car window* "Do you think if we ignore him he'll just go away?"

Anyway, lots of Christmas shopping left to do so no doubt my elbows will be needed to barge through hordes of silly women. Hope you're all feeling festive and Christmassy. With a bit of luck I will be by this time next week. Happy Holidays!

Controlling bodily functions.

2010-11-30T21:45:00.002Z
Really want to see the hi-lights of Manure's 4-0 loss to West Ham. Problem is I'm worried I might laugh so hard that I'll wet myself.

If Carlsberg did F.A. Cup ties

2010-11-28T19:34:00.013Z
Arsenal welcome Dirty Leeds to the Emirates for a 3rd round F.A. Cup tie. I had long been craving an Arsenal/Leeds or Arsenal/Southampton tie in either the Carling or F.A. Cup but fate had not been on my side.

That all changed today as the 2 teams got drawn together in a rematch of the 1972 Cup Final and the 1993 cup tie when Arsenal came back from 2-0 down at Highbury to force a replay at Elland Road which they won 3-2.

The reason for my excitement is that Mr. Kitson supports Dirty Leeds. For the record I am not overconfident or arrogant about Arsenal's chances of victory. Arsenal and Dirty Leeds have been even in recent years in getting one over each other. Also they are a very big team that will bring a big following to Castle Emirates.

Added to this is our current spacktitude at home. Leeds fans will think they would have a greater chance of winning at Elland Road. In the last 2 months our form suggests the opposite. If we don't steam roll Leeds in the first half hour or so I predict a difficult and very entertaining game.

I heard as well the F.A. have organized an Allstar game between the 2 teams of best players from Manchester (Surrey relocated) and Liverpool penitentaries. Its a good rehabilitation scheme for both sets of men and should help integrate them back into society.

Do you believe in extraterrestrials?

2010-11-24T00:17:00.007Z

The question Agent Mulder facetiously asks Scully in the pilot episode.

I will be very gradually working my way through all 9 series of the tremendous X Files, and on the odd occasion will spout off my small thinkings of what I have seen.

Tonight I have been watching on with curiosity and amusement as a strangely nervy Gillian Anderson meets super smug Double D for the first time.

Well, she's nervy for the early stages until Duchovny starts on the first of his many seemingly outrageous claims that relate to extraordinary reasons for unexplained events.

The plot follows investigations into the death of a young girl with puncture-like wounds in her back. (Please no jokes about Amy Winehouse) It is a great advert for treating handicapped people well. We also see the sinister "cigarette-smoking man" for the first time.

Having watched various episodes in later series, what strikes me the most as well as the young-looking appearance of the 2 stars, is the way the show started out feeling its way into the hearts and minds of its many fans.

There is a primitive feel to some of the effects and also to Mulder and Scully's dialogue that is developed and evolves throughout the course of the show. It looks like a made-for-TV film, which is understandable given the need of Mr. Carter et al to impress the audience immediately.

And impress us they did.

"I hope they do you over like Goater did."

2010-11-15T01:07:00.009Z
I've stolen a quote from the Mirror's football comedy section. Apparently a Manchester City fan was shopping for furniture when he heard a voice he recognized giving the staff a "don't you know who I am" tirade.

The guilty culprit then turned to the Blues fan and told him not to bother shopping there. Upon seeing that the complainer was none other than Gary Neville, he replied with my headline.

A less famous Goater had a letter from his bank's fraud squad. I had been having problems with chip n pin machines and had been told at my bank that nothing was the matter.

Had the beautiful Jemma not wisely opened my post, I would not have seen the "URGENT" command from my bank to contact them.

It did get sorted, but the most disturbing part of the debacle was the Big Brother style surveillance that the bank had me under. All because I had withdrawn money for rent late in the evening, and then proceeded to purchase an mp3 track off the internet.

There aren't the words to describe how pathetic society has become. Political correctness, paranoid surveillance of everyday financial dealings and the leaches posing as politicians these days are examples of how mankind is on a steady slide to the bottom of the existential pit.

Still, all is not bleak. Bath City recovered from 2-0 down to win 3-2, ManU were shite again, Arsenal won and Chelsea played like a pub team. Priorities in order, philosophy comes after football. Goodnight.

Fireworks to snow

2010-11-10T00:22:00.005Z
Its been an eventful couple of days. Friday Jemma and I braved the rain for Keynsham's Fireworks display. I was excited by the prospect of the pyrotechnics and warm food available, but didn't expect the display itself to be of the quality it was.

The rain mercifully decided to have a cup of tea and enjoy the fireworks before lashing it down. This happened on our way back, but didn't spoil our enjoyment of the evening.

On Saturday Sean and I drank some cider and laughed at Tottenham. After a quiet Sunday, I went with Tim to Longwell Green to go 10pin bowling. This was less simple then it sounds as we conspired to miss and be late for a variety of buses.

We won one game each, but both were put off by some violent youths in wheelchairs in the next lane. I pride myself on my physical strength, but would have been no match for them.

Today (Tuesday) Tim and I woke up at what I was told was 4:00 in the morning to travel to North Wales to climb mountains.

I didn't even know there was a 4 o'clock in the morning, so it was a frightening experience. To summarize the day we ended up wading through snow in -2 wind chill.

I very calmly asked the wind to quieten down at one point. Its a shame the moment wasn't caught on videotape as it would've been a wonderful example to the youth of today of how to keep your temper under pressure.

The resulting avalanche was purely coincidental. Finally back home in the warm now though.

A new dawn

2010-10-28T12:28:00.004+01:00
I don't usually give a monkeys about the state of the England football team, but in this case I shall make an exception.

There are many people who think there is very little to be upbeat about, though some quote the names Wilshere, Rodwell and Johnson amongst others as lights on the horizon.

I will go one further, I believe we have a world beater waiting to be selected for the national team. Oh hear we go again another Arsenal player! you might think.

Think again! The man in question has the physical qualities of a gladiator and the footballing ability to go with it. Take a bow Andy Carroll..

With minnows Newcastle he has already scored a hattrick this season and added goals and a palpable sense of menace in many of the games he has played in. One for the future? One for now..

The endings.

2010-10-24T18:53:00.005+01:00
All the teams with names that end in an "-l" sound won today. LiverpOOL beat Blackburn; ArsenAL beat Manchester City; and the ArsehOLES beat Stoke.

Hopefully the team that starts with an "L" will win tomorrow.

Great plans Rooned

2010-10-21T23:45:00.016+01:00
So I hear Wayne Rooney wants to leave ManU. Lots of people are discussing the ramifications of this happening.

I'll tell you what the biggest impact it'll have is: hopefully stopping bloody horrible headlines from papers like the Sun and the Daily Star. Headlines like "Roo Are You?" Sums up the luminous cretins that buy that tripe.

I hate to say that I actually have something in common with Rooney. No I haven't penetrated a pensioner. Apparently he wants to leave the Mancs because he thinks that ManU can no longer compete with the top teams in the League. I also think they can no longer compete with the top teams in the League.

It doesn't take much imagination to see in your mind's eye the fans of certain other clubs in England licking their lips and sharpening their metaphorical, vengeful knives. And here is the stunning climax of tonight's blog: I am not one of them!

I can almost hear the disbelief. Let me elaborate: in my opinion there is much presumption in the prognostications currently doing the rounds of Manchester United's demise.

Does this mean I have lost the desire to see their collective carcass rotting like a deceased Zebra in deepest Kenya? No, absolutely not.

Like the calmer and more clinical of the senators that plotted Caesar's death I am biding my time in the shadows waiting for the first knife to be plunged deep into vulnerable flesh.

And then when the dying breaths are exhaled I will raise my dagger and plunge it hard and deep.

Of course knowing ManU 'fans' they'll all have jumped ship and bought Chelsea shirts at the first sight of trouble. Though that will not stop there being one huge smile across my face when that blessed day comes.

A(s)da with Jemma

2010-10-14T01:02:00.016+01:00
On Sunday I got up at the crack of dawn, leapt on the back of a milk float and then made my way through a series of labyrinths which led me to Bath Spa train station.

From there I choo choo'd my way to Southampton to spend a few days with the Swiss Miss.

On the Sunday afternoon we went to the dock to look at big boats and enjoy the nippy sunshine.

On Monday we ate some Nandos and then went to drink some cocktails at TGI Fridays.

We also saw a cool but weird hotel that looked like a Christmas Tree.

I couldn't go to Southampton without seeing my dad's little football club's quaint stadium St. Mary's.

I very much enjoyed my time with Jemma in Southampton. Even her flatmate offered me a feast he had cooked. But the biggest surprise was seeing more than one Southampton football shirt in the same city.

That Friday feeling

2010-10-09T00:32:00.009+01:00
Tonight we learnt:

Mr. K does not like ham ruining his mushroom pizza. But even worse is not enough noticeable ham and too much mushroom(?).

Bomberman:

Mr. Watkins is generous until you are a threat, then he his generosity takes the form of my being killed very quickly.

Mr. Kitson's form is gradually returning to its previous glory. He is generous until he is clinically murdered, and then his generosity takes the form of my being killed...

I Goatman am apparently racist, but no there is not a BNP HQ down Newbridge Road.

That will be all.

Please mind the gap.

2010-10-07T00:56:00.010+01:00
Tuesday/gig day was a very long day. It started with me and Jemma making our way to the train station. Jemma made the slanderous accusation that the reason we were a little rushed to get to the platform was down to my buying a Nero mocha. Her vile words didn't stop the mocha tasting good.

Once we got into London we started on a long arduous tube journey to time our exit routes. After the gig Jemma would be leaving from Waterloo Station and me from Paddington. Many superfluous, unnecessary tube stops later we arrived at Shepherds Bush and made our way to the 02 Arena venue thing for Lifehouse.

We queued for about an hour before the gig. This time was both good and bad. The bad was drugged up Jamaican touts peddling for tickets and generally acting like they worked for 02. I wanted to send them back to Kingston Town in a body bag.

The good was a lad called Mark who came up to us and asked where we were from. At first I was a little annoyed and bemused, but he turned out to be the charming bassist of an up-and-coming band called "Ivyrise". We were impressed by the effort he went to to talk to us, and also give us a listen to one of their songs on his Ipod.

As for the gig I turn to the words of one of Lifehouse's songs: "Talk, talk is cheap. Give me a word you can keep." And the word you can keep is Wadetastic.

Photos:

Despite Jemma's concern of being killed to death by disgruntled Burger King employees, and my worry of missing my train and being stuck in London overnight, we both got there alright.

You'd have thought that would be the end of it, but oh no. Still time for drama. I was quietly settled down in my seat reading a book on the train when something almost exactly like this came over the tannoy: "Ladies and Gentlemen we apologize for the delay. There is a suicidal person on the line."

Queue a lot of puzzlement from the passengers. Made even more confusing a few minutes later by the same tannoy but with "suicidal person" changed to "trespasser". Our hysterical Indian steward changed his mind again a little later and we were back to a suicide jumper as official reason for our holdup.

Our driver lost his enthusiasm for speed and, apparently under instructions to travel at -1.9 miles per hour, got me home an hour late. I am not a fan of central London in the slightest, but you have to give it to the tubes, at least they tend to get you places on time.

Not long after the train pulled into Bath, I finally got to bed and closed the door on a very long day.

Gigging it large in Laaarrrrndaaarn.

2010-10-04T23:53:00.018+01:00

Tomorrow night I will be with the lovely Jemma watching 'Lifehouse' in concert. We are travelling to the big smoke and as a result will be paying no mind to ~~avoiding like the plague~~ gatherings of teenage ~~black~~ males. As they are ~~regularly involved~~ not at all involved in gangland killings.

This is noteworthy as it has been 9 years since I first heard one of their songs, and since then I have wanted see to them live. It being 8 years or so since they last played in England, and also one of only 2 performances this time round adds to the palpable sense of anticipation.

As a sidenote: In touring our blessed Isle, Lifehouse have given away their status as favourites in the "~~Fuck~~ Blast you England we ain't gigging here again!" award to Embrace.

CITY!! *CLAP CLAP CLAP* CITY!!

2010-09-29T00:10:00.008+01:00
Tonight in brightest Twerton Bath City made hay while the moon shined. They beat Kidderminster Harriers 2-0 with a penalty by Kaid Mohammed (not the priest of Islam) and a goal from débutante Alex Russell.

In truth it should have been more goals for City as the referee seemed determined to not award City more than the one penalty despite numerous fouls by 'Harriers' in the box.

One amusing sidenote was the appearance of Bath Uni cheerleaders at half time. Queue lots of loud clapping, catcalls and admiring glances from the men in the crowd and suspicious looks of a policing nature from the women.

Apart from Mr. Kitson though, he was muttering something about: "those ho's from Team Tax wasting us tax payer's money.."

It would be misguided of me to suggest that my presence at Bath City matches effects the result, buuttt...I was there and City won!

Champions League v Blue Square Premier

2010-09-28T00:25:00.009+01:00
Tomorrow night 2 football clubs I have a vested interest in are both playing. Arsenal are playing in the Champions League against Partizan Belgrade in deepest darkest Serbia.

While Bath City host Kidderminster Harriers in the Blue Square Premier League in the Georgian city of Bath.

This is a fixture clash. But unlike the scores of plastic Man United fans roaming the streets like ducks in the rain I am supporting my local club. Yes, I would only have watched Arsenal on the telly anyway, but it is still a sacrifice of sorts. And before you mention it I am not the sort of fan who brings a radio to a live match to keep up with other scores. No siree bob, that's not me at all..

p.s. This blog in no way suggests that eastern Europe is a dangerous place to visit. The countries in this part of the world are well known for their lovely Gothic castles and "atmospheric" back alleys.

Deep inside of a parallel universe

2010-09-20T22:48:00.017+01:00
Ever felt like your sense of reality has been warped and normality is a fleeting memory?

That's what Watkins and I felt like on Saturday night as Mr. Kitson romped to victory in the gladiatorial combat of Bomberman.

Sunday I worked most of the daylight hours, and "Simon Says" ladyfriend left to go to Southampton - home of the legendary Matthew le Tissier and one time harbour to the Queen Mary.

Today in honour of "Simon Says" mummy's birthday we went to the Hare & Hounds for a lovely meal. Good value, quality food and a lovely view down into the valley. Hare & Hounds offers "all the traditional favourites along with their eclectic specials."

We then bravely boarded a rowing boat which took on both definitions of the word as tempers flared and unspoken threat of man overboard was left hanging in the air. Gladly though no one got a free swim and we arrived home safely.

p.s. Copyright for last photograph yadda yadda yadda, not my photo yadda yadda.

We remember..

2010-09-11T18:42:00.003+01:00

Rest in peace.

Doughnuts, cocktails and the beach!

2010-09-05T00:11:00.027+01:00
Last Sunday Jemma and I took the city of Bournemouth up on its offer to attend their bicentenary celebrations.

They turned on the lights in our honour.

And even brought the sun out!

On Monday we swam in the sea.

And drank like fish in the evening..

Tuesday we travelled further up (or down, damned if I brought a compass) the coastline to Boscombe.

Where we saw Boscombe's answer to Baywatch

but without Pamela Anderson as she's off somewhere in Kazakhstan...

Yet again another lovely holiday with Jemma in Bournemouth. I leave you with another jealousy-inducing picture of ~~alcohol~~ Bournemouth beach.

Birthday babe

2010-08-19T22:50:00.010+01:00

It has been the Misses' birthday this week. The party started on Monday night with yours truly showing up for his annual night out on the town. After having a brief drink at Weatherspoons we went up to the Slug & Lettuce where the drinks started to flow and before long Wurzel songs were being warbled loud enough for the whole bar to hear.

Our last stop was Blue Rooms. Having put on my 'dancing shoes' while in the club, it was a tired Simon that piggy-backed a wounded Jemma down Milsom Street.

Today was Jemma's actual birthday.

We went to @Bristol, had a look around..

ate some nice food..

made some new friends..

and watched the world go by.

Simon Says finishes today by wishing Jemma with a J a very happy birthday and saying "boooo!!" to gift shop name bookmarks that leave out her name.

What goes around comes around hey Pepe Reina?

2010-08-15T23:23:00.005+01:00
Remember this?

Well Reina you daft d**o twat not so smug now are we? Perhaps you should concentrate on not shaming your own shirt rather then worrying about what shirts other people are wearing.

WESLEEEEEYYYYY NOOOOOOOO!!!!

2010-08-08T20:43:00.008+01:00
Does anyone know the number of a good therapist? I have literally been sobbing nonstop for the last half hour. In an event that parallels some of the famous tragedies of recent times Wesley Michael Brown has retired from international football. Gutted.

In other news Paul Scholes - what the hell?! Anyone who watched his post match interview after the Community Shield knows what I'm talking about. Perhaps his way of helping the community is by being a figurehead for a wide variety of differently abled support groups.

Also, to the young lady who attempted to make me spill my Starbucks by groping my arse. Ha! Didn't work. Nothing stops me from drinking a mocha.

Battle against the Celts

2010-08-04T22:29:00.011+01:00
Sunday was my annual pilgrimage to North Laarndon to watch Arsenal F.C. in action live. The first match was between last season's Champions League semi-finalists Olympique Lyonnais and 6 time winners AC Milan. The game took some time to pick up, but once the manlion Gennaro Gattuso came on the pace of the game increased and goals followed.

Borriello took a break from being useless to put Milan 1-0 up, and shortly after the very promising Jimmy Briand equalised. The major excitement apart from the goals was the breath-taking cameo from Milan's Brazilian Alex Pato. He caused no end of problems for the Lyon backline with his trickery.

Pictures from the Milan-Lyon game:

Next up was the headline game - Arsenal v Celtic. Having watched Arsenal play Rangers last year I had high expectations for the atmosphere. I was disappointed. Less in numbers and less in noise. No question which the bigger Glasgow team is..

Theo Walcott, Carlos Vela and Jack Wilshere were some of the names in Arsenal's starting 11. 2 of those players wasted no time in making an impact. Barely 2 minutes in and Walcott crossed for Vela to have an easy tap in. 1-0. Just before half time Bacary Sagna scored only his 2nd goal in a red and white shirt to make it 2-0 at the break.

Notable changes for the 2nd half were the appearances of Samir Nasri and Maruoane Chamakh. The former didn't take long to make it 3-0. Amusingly the Celtic fan behind me's cries of "C'mon the Hoops!" got more desperate with each goal we scored. Jack Wilshere marred his performance by giving away a stupid penalty. With Manuel Almunia in goal it'd take a shite striker to miss such a chance. Step forward Georgias Samaras. The stewards are still scouring the car park in search of the ball.

Sadly the defenders didn't learn their lesson, and two sloppy mistakes and 1 dodgy referee decision later Celtic made it 3-2. Arsenal managed to keep possession though and duly halted the "hoops" comeback. Here is a photo of the players celebrating with a green dinosaur.

All that was left was for me to pay homage to an Arsenal great.

Good old fashioned toff buggery

2010-08-02T23:10:00.008+01:00
Blackadder is my new favourite TV show. It has lines like this classic from both Stephen Fry's General Meltchitt and Hugh Laurie's Lieutenant George: "Row row row your boat gently down the stream. Belts off, trousers down, isn't life a dream?"

Hansen hypocrite

2010-07-12T23:06:00.003+01:00
THIS BLOG CONTAINS A PARENTAL ADVISORY WARNING:

IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN NEARBY SEND THEM TO BED BEFORE READING. IF YOU HAVE THE SENSITIVITY OF A DAILY MAIL READER DO NOT READ. THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS FOUL AND ABUSIVE INSINUATIONS..

So regarding the Dutch players' tackles "this is too much" eh Mr. Hansen? As many fellow Arsenal fans I will be waiting eagerly the next time a Stoke/Brum/Blackburn (delete as applicable) player breaks one of our player's legs for you to say again "this is too much". Oh..wait just a minute. Aren't you the same Mr. Alan Hansen who hauled Arsene Wenger over the coals when he himself said "this is too much" after Aaron Ramsey had his leg B.R.O.K.E.N by a thuggish tackle from Ryan Shawcross?

C**t

And to the Spanish players who dived and surrounded Howard Webb for 119 of the 120 minutes.

C**t

And last but not least..to Pepe 'Mr. F**king Barcelona' Reina and chums for hi-jacking Spains WC celebrations to force a Barca shirt onto Fabregas

You c**ts

And the bonus ball is..!

2010-06-28T23:25:00.007+01:00
I had a lovely weekend with my family and a beautiful time with the gorgeous Jemma on Sunday evening. We watched the ever brilliant 'Aliens in America'. It was also great to be proud of our nation's sporting legends. Well done to the England cricket team.

Sadly I cannot avoid talking about the Dirty Dozen (I include Peter Crouch cause he's shit). The most concerning thing about the England football teams abject capitulation to the Germans wasn't the scoreline, or even the performance. It was Mr. Watkins' prognostication the night before the match on his canal boat. He didn't only gleefully predict the correct winners and losers, but he also nailed the scoreline too. "4-1" he mockingly uttered into Mr. K's face.

I may yet join the hordes of people trying to get Mr. Watkins to fill in their lottery numbers.

Just before all you England fans start whipping our the Castlemaine and razor blades here is a reason to be cheerful and full of optimism:

Have you experienced an accident at Work or are worried that England will never have a football team that plays better then the 11 puke-filled yobs that turn up for your local every Sunday? Jack Wilshere - If Carlsberg did world class players..

Comedy quote of the World Cup

2010-06-19T23:32:00.003+01:00
Arsene Wenger: "I'm surprised the England fans boo'd...I thought they were asleep."

whoops!

2010-06-18T23:14:00.002+01:00
The mighty Algeria - hahahahahahaha!!!
England boo'd by their own fans. Don't think the French fans boo'd their country..

Too good too bad

2010-06-15T21:26:00.003+01:00
In honour of Adrian Chiles being the only football pundit/commentator on ITV with an ounce of personality here is my 'too good too bad' for today.

Too Good I ran 4kilometres in 22 minutes. It felt both amazing and awful at the same time. My walk home was like crip Rio Ferdinand trying to prove his fitness to Fabio Capello.

Too Bad After yet another in a long line of dives from Christiano Ronaldo the ITV commentator: "That's the modern game for you." Right, so when its an Arsenal player its the prehistoric game?
*sound of a remote control bouncing off a TV screen with force followed by a stream of infective that could be described as colourful*

England's chances stubbed out.

2010-06-13T12:26:00.003+01:00
It is still likely England will qualify from their group, but the sorry excuse for "one of the best sides in world football" are yet again showing that no amount of sycophantic press drivel makes a mediocre team great.

Hwill Hwheaton says it best: "Considering that England was supposed to be the Death Star to USA's Alderaan, I'm damn happy with the draw."

In other news Jemma has the tiniest toe I've ever seen in my life. It's so small that its almost not there. If I was a mean and nasty person I'd put her in the circus. Actually, now that I think about it...

England's biggest fan of the U.S of A out

p.s. The last paragraph about the circus was just a joke. Yes, you can remove the chainsaw from my head now, thank-you.

Something nice about Sky Sports - don't have a heart attack...

2010-06-06T22:43:00.003+01:00
Sky Sports News presenter: "Brazil are aiming to win a record 6th World Cup. That's only 6 more than Scotland." Sadly followed shortly after by a clip of Christiana Ronaldo looking like he'd just come back from a holiday in Brighton.

Spit it out Watkins

2010-05-30T01:57:00.005+01:00
Friday I ate Chinese with Jemma. I tried Crispy Chilli Beaf as Smith and Hobart used to talk of it in the way White talked of Castlemaine. It was satisfactory. We then watched "Bruce Almighty" as it was on the telly. It was as usual the part of my week when everything got better.

Tonight Watkins and Mr. K came over. We got some food from the Italian nearby. We got a free soap opera as well as our pizzas and cheeseburger and potato wedges. The Italian head chef or something got increasingly annoyed with the lads working with him. At one point he threatened to rip his hair out in a frenzied display of Latino passion.

After avoiding the flying cutlery we got back to mine where we watched a little bit of the Eurovision. Its good to know Gary Glitter's music career is still going strong as Albania's guitarist.

Then we broke with tradition (har-dee har-dee har) and played Bomberman. Upon dying when almost home n dry, Watkins foamed up at the mouth like a mad horse. Phlegm flew out of his mouth by the gallon, and despite our best efforts Mr. K and I laughed for the next 2 games.

Message to parents: Do not let your children or Watkins play Bomberman unsupervised. It may lead to epileptic fits.

I love Eric Idle

2010-05-24T23:17:00.010+01:00

Last night he sang the epic "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" on the Graham Norton show.

Som-er-set la la la, Som-er-set la la la..

2010-05-23T22:22:00.013+01:00
My weekend:

Friday night spent with Jemma my lovely misses on a nearby park area (any similarities to Victoria Park Golf course are purely coincidental).

We were respectful of the fierce one-legged man who owns the course. He has 2 dogs, so I was ready at the slightest hint of a bark to do the manly think and leg it as far away as possible. Fortunately though his minion spies (in the shape of dog walkers) failed to report our presence to him.

Saturday evening I spent with Mr. K growling at Clive Tyldesley's declarations of love towards José Mourinho. Who we reckon is 1/3 of Mr. Tyldesley's all time fantasy threesome. There's a Knight of the Realm who might also make it in there. I also chose to try Ham & Asparagus quiche. It was satisfactory, though quite similar to the Cheese & Bacon one.

Sunday I went with the Yid to the 'Rec' to see Somerset Sabres play Worcestershire ~~Wankers~~ Pears. It was oh so very hot. It was also however a decent game and we had front row seats so got close and personal with 2 of the Sabres star men - Alfonso Thomas and Peter Trego.

Due to Worcestershire's efforts to get their first win of the season it was a fiercely contested and intriguing match. This didn't stop me and the lady on my other side discussing exactly what Trego had tattoo'd on his arm. It appears the answer is a fish, a lotus and the names of his children.

The Yid and I also queued for an ice-cream. The queue was a bit like a mirage in that the more people bought their ice-creams and moved on the more it felt like the queue was still just as big as when we started. In the end though we heroically got out of there ice-creams in tact. I was unaware honeycomb flavour was an option so decided to give it a whirl (boom boom) and was pleased with the result.

Due to the searing heat, we made it back to our seats with the all the speed of Stephen Hawking on bath night. Somerset delighted their fans with a hard fought win that was in no small part achieved due to the encouragement of drunken and out of tune versions of Wurzel classics "I am a Cider Drinker" and "Blackbird" that came from the cider tent. It was a good end to a good weekend.

All's fair in love and bomberman.

2010-05-16T21:15:00.006+01:00
Its been a long week, but in the end a rather good one. I was not in the best of health at the beginning of the week, so was a little down about receiving texts in successive days asking if I could cover some shifts at the gym as one of our trainers was ill. Despite my invalidity I heroically completed both shifts.

My weekend became good from Friday night onwards. Jemma's company and the omega oils of salmon made me happy, banishing the smell of twats at work. Saturday was good - we had a Starbucks before work which made me wake up, and then I worked taking payments for petrol. In this you could say I was a lesser form of Tony Blair. Except that the only lesser form than him is ectoplasm.

One comment a fellow petrol person said made me laugh. He told us how in going up to buy tickets for 'Robin Hood' he had said, without a trace of irony, "One ticket for Gladiator please.".

In the evening Watkins and Mr. K came and rescued me from madness with even more madness. Edward and the 3 of us bought all of 1 crate of Mountain Dew. *Silently mutters* "50 green bottles hangi.." After successfully working Mr. K's oven we ate pizza, drank Sheppy's and Dew and played Bomberman.

Mr. Watkins and I made a pact before the evening to do all in our power to stop Mr. K's 'reign of terror'. Watkins valiantly fell on his sword to let me win. It was a good evening though regardless. Memories of screams in previous rooms in a previous time all came flooding back. Oh the nostalgia..